I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
