there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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