I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
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