last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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