I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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