You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I just found puke in my bra..
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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