genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I need to calm my uterus...
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
