how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
