then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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