I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Randomize
