I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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