i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
as a side note pls kill me
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
