im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
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