for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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