And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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