i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
