Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
