Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
