it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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