Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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