I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
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The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
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Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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