I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
