Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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