I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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