My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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