you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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