I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
