i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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