Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Randomize
