i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
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I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
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Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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