Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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