I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
