my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
