I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
