your thong is hanging out like whoa
Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
