hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
