we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
