I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Randomize
