im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
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