I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Randomize
