What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
