Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.