im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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