i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
23 Men Confess What Gifts Would Brighten Their Day
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
25 Of The Most Common Life Mistakes Young People Make
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.