After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
29 Frat Parties That Got Way Too Out Of Control
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
15 Ridiculous Ways Broke People Managed to Make a Buck
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...