3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Randomize
