belinda wants 2 know wr u got ur butt pads
i dont wear butt pads that thang is au naturel
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?