I feel great
I just peed on a car
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Randomize
