you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
This baby is an asshole
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
