I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
