i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
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