im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Randomize
