hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
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