Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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