God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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