Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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