Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
