I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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